Monday, November 28, 2011

oh BOY

This is it.  One of the last few pictures i have of my wonderful son Zephyr Sequoia Rapinchuk.  Just a few days after this photo was taken he died in a skiing accident in Wyoming at Jackson Hole.  I have read back a few posts recently and am trying to incorporate the joy and pleasure i held knowing that the world was right because my children were alive and well.  Everything has changed.  Everything.  My beautiful vibrant boy is no more.  He did not get to turn nineteen and soon he will not get to turn 20.  The loss has left me totally without direction and deeply filled with a sorrow i have never known before.
      I still run, but now it is for a different type of survival.  Before Zephyr's death i thought it ran for parental survival, now it is a whole new animal.  I run long and hard so that i can breathe without salt in my mouth.  I run because i need to find meaning in a world without my first born wonder.  I run because i don't know what the hell else to do.  I run to escape the feeling and to quiet my raging heart.  Nothing makes this better, but at least i can breathe.
    Today i will not write much except to say thank you for my amazing daughter and someday i hope to  wake up without dread in my heart.  He was just so much more wonderful than me and for that i am deeply sorry.

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